Hoof's Jokes *mature rating*

Hoof Hearted · 08-25-2004, 08:32 AM

Preview Elephantoplasty

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hoped for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery (an elephantoplasty) and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment."

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ****!

Dinky Duck · 08-25-2004, 09:18 AM

tha first part was tight, but as i got to tha end, it sucked..i was expectin somefin else...

Viper 776 · 08-25-2004, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dinky Duck

tha first part was tight

The part where his penis doesn't work?

Oh, well, I've heard it before, but it was still pretty funny.

Alienated · 08-25-2004, 02:17 PM

well, it wasnt bad, would be really wierd if real...

Dinky Duck · 08-25-2004, 02:47 PM

hell yea it would be BAD if it was real...but look on tha bright side..ur penis can eat and "grow", and get stronger..

Hoof Hearted · 12-01-2004, 03:17 PM

What is the definition of an Organ Grinder?

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A contraceptive with gravel in it.

Hoof Hearted · 01-19-2005, 02:48 PM

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, bothering me very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

So the moral of this story is: ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN THE CAR.

roughneck0101 · 01-19-2005, 04:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hoof Hearted

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, bothering me very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

So the moral of this story is: ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN THE CAR.

That was funny!
and on a side note I have a sister inlaw who is 30 who does that exact same thing, with the low cut blouses no bra and short skirts, she is married and has two kids now but still likes to try and show me the goods every year we come up. I keep forgeting my digi camera though but one day I am going to wait for her to pull off her little stunt and just stand up and start snapping pictures.

Bullet Proof XP · 01-19-2005, 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hoof Hearted

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, bothering me very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

So the moral of this story is: ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN THE CAR.

Unfortunatley for you this joke has already been done by Christina.

Electro68 · 01-20-2005, 09:18 AM

Yes it's a very funny joke, I first found it in the "Top Jokes" section of another forum...... http://www.youthink.com/jokes.asp?jump_to=346340

Still, really funny, and I get alot of jokes from there also. Actually one of mine is in the "Top Jokes" section right now.
http://www.youthink.com/jokes.asp?jump_to=388464